How To Say No When You’re A People Pleasing Mom

Alessandra | Posted on December 9, 2024 |

If you’re a people pleaser, then this blog is for you! In this blog, get my best tips for how to say no without feeling guilty about it. (From a mom who can say no!)

If you want to learn how to say no because you’re a major people please, then you’re in the right place! I don’t consider myself a people pleaser, but I know how guilty I often feel for saying “no.” Like, I can say no but I often feel SO bad when I do. But, I’ve learned over the years that I don’t need to feel bad about it and you don’t either! At least you shouldn’t anyway.

As moms, we’re often celebrated for our ability to do it all. Whether it’s volunteering for every school event, managing a household, or being the go-to friend in times of crisis, we do a lot. While there’s immense pride in being dependable, the constant need to say “yes” can leave you feeling overextended and undervalued, right? In this blog, you’ll learn that saying “no” isn’t selfish at all. Here’s why learning to say no is one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself and your family. Keep reading!

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Why Moms Struggle to Say No

The struggle to just say no is real! Many moms feel guilty about saying no, because we believe it’s our duty to meet everyone’s needs. (Hint: It’s not!) Society often glorifies self-sacrifice in motherhood, but this narrative ends up doing more harm than good. And the result? Burnout, resentment, and feeling like you’ve completely lost yourself in the process. That’s not exactly the thing we’re going for either. It’s not fair to us as moms and it’s also not fair to our family!

The Cost of Always Saying Yes

If you find yourself saying “yes” to others more often than you say “no” it could cost you. Here are a few things you might experience if you’re saying yes way too much.

1. Mental Overload

Agreeing to everything leaves little room for downtime. You’ll end up doing more than you can handle which in turn can contribute to your own stress and anxiety. And that’s not fun!

2. Physical Exhaustion

If you’re overcommitting than that means less energy for yourself and your immediate family. It’s not worth it at the end of they day!

3. Erosion of Boundaries

Boundaries are everything! If you’re saying yes to everyone else then you’re probably saying no to your own needs. Which isn’t fair to you.

4. Lost Identity

You probably often hear moms talk about “losing their identity” when becoming a mom. Well the reason might be from saying yes too much. When your schedule revolves around others, it’s easy to lose sight of what truly matters to you.

Reframing ‘No’ as a Positive

Saying no can be scary mostly because you’re probably just not use to saying it! It’s one of those things that takes practice and confidence. The first thing to not is it doesn’t mean shutting people out or being mean. It means prioritizing your values and energy. Here’s a few tips for how to do this:

Think of No as a ‘Yes’ to Yourself

Every time you decline something that doesn’t serve you, you’re saying yes to rest, quality time with loved ones, or personal growth. Mindset is a powerful thing and you need a strong mindset when you’re a mom! So when you reframe that “No” with a “Yes” for you, it can make it feel easier, causing you less guilt.

Recognize Your Limits

You’re one person with finite time and energy. Think about that! Setting boundaries is an act of love, not selfishness. This is another mindset reframe you can take with you into your “no practice.” Click the image below to learn more about having a positive mindset!

How To Say No With Confidence

Now you know why it’s so hard to say no to others and you understand the cost of always saying yes. Let’s dive into the good stuff! Here are some practical tips to help you learn how to say no with more confidence.

1. Understand Your Priorities

Make a list of your top priorities and write them down. Whether it’s family time, self-care, or pursuing a hobby it’s good to have these things written down and on paper to get them off your mind. Next time you get a request that doesn’t align with these priorities, you’ll feel more empowered to decline.

2. Practice Saying No

Start with smaller situations, like declining to attend a playdate when you’re exhausted. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. My kids always say “Practice makes better.” (I love that they don’t teach practice makes perfect anymore!) But the more you practice, the better you become at saying no with confidence.

3. Use Gentle, Yet Firm Language

Phrases like:

“I wish I could, but I’m unable to take that on right now,” or

“Thank you for thinking of me, but I’ll have to pass this time.”

Are kinder ways to say “no” to people you care about and will probably help you feel better about saying no.

4. Don’t Over-Explain

This is something I am still working on. You don’t owe anyone a detailed justification for your decision! A simple “No, thank you” is 100% enough and 100% valid. No one needs an explanation about why you can’t or why you said no. I always feel like I need to say, “No I can’t today because I have x, y, z.” When in reality, it’s no one’s business and if I don’t want to do something I don’t have to do it. 🙂

5. Ask for Time

If someone is making you feel pressured about something you can simple say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This gives you space to consider whether it aligns with your priorities and come up with an answer. It also gives the other person time to step away and think about it. This can help lessen the emotions in your “no” and the other person might respond better.

6. Remember Your ‘Why’

Always, always remember your “why.” Keep in mind that saying no allows you to focus on the people and activities that matter most to you.

What to Do When Someone Won’t Take No for an Answer

Alright, we’ve discussed why it’s hard to say no and I’ve given you some practical tips for how to say no with confidence. No comes the really fun stuff… Sometimes, despite your best efforts to set boundaries and say no, there will be people who push back or try to guilt you into saying yes. This can feel really uncomfortable, but standing firm in your decision is essential for maintaining your well-being. Here’s how to handle these situations with grace and confidence.

1. Stay Calm and Firm

When someone refuses to accept your no, try to avoid getting defensive. Calmly restate your decision with confidence. Try using these prompts below:

“I understand this is important to you, but I’m not able to help right now.”
“I’ve made my decision, and I appreciate your understanding.”

2. Use the Broken Record Technique

If someone keeps pushing, calmly repeat your boundary without changing your answer. This shows consistency and reinforces that your decision is final and you truly mean it. For example:

Them: “What do your kids want for Christmas?”
You: “Thank you for thinking of them, but you don’t have to do that.”
Them: “I really want to get them something.”
You: “I understand, but my answer remains the same.”

3. Don’t Fall for Guilt or Manipulation

People may use guilt (“I thought I could count on you”) or manipulation (“If you really cared, you’d help me”) to sway you. Recognize these tactics and stand your ground by remembering your priorities and your ‘why.’ Respond calmly and remember you are no responsible for how the other person feels!

“I’m sorry you feel that way, but my decision is final.”
“I care about you, but this doesn’t work for me right now.”

4. Shift the Responsibility

If someone tries to guilt you, remind them that their problem isn’t yours to solve. As I said above, it is not your responsibility to make someone else feel better. Your responsibility is for you and that means staying firm in your no. Empathy doesn’t mean overstepping your own boundaries. You can offer alternatives if it feels appropriate.

“I can’t help with this, but maybe [another person/resource] could assist you.”
“I’m unable to take this on, but I hope you can find a solution that works for you.”

5. Reflect on the Relationship

If someone consistently ignores your boundaries and pressures you despite repeated attempts to say no, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship with them. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, including respect for your limits. Someone who guilts or manipulates you, is probably not the best person to be in your life regularly.

6. Stand Proud in Your Decision

It’s not your job to make others comfortable with your boundaries. Let me say that one more time…it’s not your job to make others comfortable with your boundaries!! Remind yourself of these things below to help you feel less guilty:

You’re not being selfish; you’re protecting your well-being.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation beyond your initial response.
Saying no is a sign of strength and self-respect, not weakness.

By handling pushback with confidence and clarity, you reinforce your boundaries and show others that your no is not up for debate. Over time, those around you will learn to respect your limits, and you’ll feel empowered knowing you stood up for yourself. If they don’t, it might be time to just ignore the situation for the time being, or again, re-evaluate the relationship.

How Saying No Benefits Everyone

For You: You feel more balanced, less stressed, and more fulfilled.
For Your Family: They get a more present and happier version of you, their mama and wife/partner.
For Others: It sets an example of healthy boundaries and encourages others to respect them.

Final Thoughts

Learning to say no is one of the most transformative skills a mom can develop. It’s truly an act of self-respect that teaches others to value your time and energy. It is NOT about being difficult, unkind, or unavailable. It’s about being intentional and protecting your energy, honoring your priorities, and showing yourself the same care and respect you so freely give to others. By embracing the power of no, you’re setting an example for your children, teaching them that boundaries are healthy and that self-worth isn’t tied to always pleasing others! Remember you’re allowed to say no! There’s empowerment in boundaries. Saying no when necessary allows you to say yes to what truly matters: your well-being, your family, and your joy. So take a deep breath, stand firm, and step into your power. You’ve got this!

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