The All Or Nothing Mentality In Motherhood Needs To Stop

Alessandra | Posted on January 29, 2025 |

Motherhood is so much more than one way or the highway. In this quick chat blog, I’m discussing the All or Nothing Mentality that is seen in motherhood and why I think it has got to go!

The All or Nothing mentality about motherhood topics seems to be emboldened these days, yet it’s so harmful for so many mothers. A lot of judgement stems from this bizarre mentality that is woven into every corner of parenting. You especially see it on social media. Social media can be a great place to go for inspiration and connection when you’re a mom, but let’s face it…it has become a modern mom’s best frenemy. Yes, you might find great connections and a new mom friend, but you’ll also find a judgemental “Karen” or two and an internet troll. If you are sick of feeling like you need to pick a side for everything as if we’re all just competing in the “Mom Olympics” then you’ll want to keep reading this Quick Chat blog!

*Welcome to my “Quick Chat” blogs, where I write a short essay about an unpopular opinion that I can’t stop thinking about! This is a new series I’m starting in 2025, so if you’re enjoying it make sure to like this blog, comment below your opinion (be nice please!) and sign up for my email list.*

The All Or Nothing Mentality

Back to the Mom Olympics, if you feel we’re all just competing for gold in categories like “Most Organic Snacks” or “Most Well-Rested Baby” I’ve got a spoiler alert for you. Motherhood isn’t black and white! It’s like fifty shades of grey…and probably a few shades of crayon-covered walls. Here are some classic examples of the all or nothing mentality put on us as moms and parents, complete with their absurd extremes. Enjoy!

1. Garden or Poison:

I feel like this is one of those top all or nothing topics. If you don’t grow your own food, the you’re giving your child poison. That’s that. Like, you either have a backyard full of kale and you handpick pesticide-free blueberries at dawn, or you’re practically sprinkling arsenic on your kid’s mac and cheese. Guess what? Grocery store veggies and boxed snacks won’t destroy your child’s future. Feeding your kids at all? That’s the real win. If you want to grow your own garden, THAT’S AMAZING! Just stop with the nonsense that other moms who don’t do this are terrible and that feeding our very picky children store bought food is cruel.

2. Homeschool or Neglect:

The comment that really gets on my last nerve is this one: “I choose to homeschool because I like to be around my children.” If you want to homeschool, all the power to you, that’s great. But just because I choose not to homeschool does not mean I don’t like to be around my kids and it’s absolutely absurd to think that about any mom! It’s like, homeschool your kids? You must be a martyr for family values! Send them to public school? Wow, how could you possibly love your children enough to let strangers teach them? Many mothers do not have the resources to homeschool and many moms need school to be their village. Oh and here’s a wild idea: both are valid choices based on what works best for a family.

3. Sleep Train or Bed Share:

This one’s a doozy, and another one that has way more grey area! It’s not just you either sleep train and endure the guilt-shaming glare of “attachment parenting” advocates, or you bed share and get accused of coddling your child forever. There are SO many ways to sleep train a child, but everyone automatically thinks if you sleep train, you’re letting your child cry it out. News flash: That’s not true. If you want to bed share all the power to you, but it’s not for everyone for various reasons. And just because a mom doesn’t bed share doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about her child. How about we all just focus on getting any sleep at all instead of dissecting each other’s nighttime strategies?

4. Homemade or Store-Bought Everything:

Some moms make Pinterest-worthy birthday cakes from scratch, a home cooked meal every night, and eat snacks from their garden. Others buy cupcakes from the grocery store bakery, or order takeout a few times a week. Guess what? Both ways of doing things is great AND it’s also not the only way. Many mothers cook homemade meals multiple times a week. They also order takeout, use boxes to make cakes, buy cookies from the store, and buy lots of fruit at the market. It’s called balance and it’s all normal and ok!

5. Working Mom or Stay At Home Mom:

Even this one isn’t black and white anymore like it use to be because you can work at home. So the all or nothing mentality here really needs to stop. But it often feels like the world is like, you either work full time and feel guilty for not being with your kids 24/7, or you’re a stay at home mom who’s “just” raising tiny humans and doing nothing with her life. I could honestly keep going on about the extreme narrative about working mom vs. SAHM, but that’s another whole blog in itself. So, let’s stop diminishing the challenges and also the triumphs of either path, because they’re both valid options.

6. Gentle Parenting or Authoritarian Parenting:

In this modern world, there is an overload of information, and that doesn’t stop with the all or nothing mentality around parenting. There are a million ways to parent. But it seems like many people feel like if you’re not gentle parenting you are doing it wrong and you’re probably an authoritarian parent and your children are going to grow up traumatized and hating you. Woah, that was a mouth full! It’s also not true. You may love and be great at gentle parenting, and that’s awesome, it’s a great starting point for many parents. But there’s also a million other ways to parent in between gentle and authoritarian. Find your happy medium and balance and your children will be just fine!

7. Zero Toxins or Chemical Central:

Living a healthier lifestyle is every mom’s dream, but it won’t happen overnight. While some moms use cleaning products made of unicorn tears and essential oils, others might be grabbing whatever’s on sale at Target. Or one mom found the all natural sprinkles, but the other mom feeds her kid Froot Loops. Here’s the thing though, that mom who grabbed Tide for her laundry, may have already switched to soy candles, or her household cleaner is a better option. Here’s a secret: there’s a whole lot of in between going on, it’s not just red dye or bust.

8. Sober or Alcoholic:

This might be a more touchy subject, but why does it seem like you’re either sober or you drink too much? I want to first say, I don’t condone the whole “Mommy Wine Culture” thing, and that also goes for dads! You shouldn’t “have to have” a drink at the end of the day. But, drinking a glass of wine at 8 p.m. with your husband while watching a movie doesn’t mean you’re a step away from an AA meeting. Enjoying a drink while out with your friends for girl’s night, doesn’t make you a terrible mom either. On the flip side, if you don’t drink at all? Congratulations, I’m happy for you! Can we just agree that some moms enjoy the occasional glass of wine or margarita, and others don’t? Oh and neither camp is wrong?

Final Thoughts

I won’t lie, this rant went on a little longer than I planned! 🤣 But the biggest takeaway from this is, motherhood isn’t black and white, it’s not about picking either extreme side. It’s all about making choices that work for your unique family, in your unique circumstances, with your unique resources. Everyone is different and there’s a whole lot of grey area in all these extreme topics you see on social media. Let’s drop the all or nothing mentality and embrace the glorious mess of gray that is parenting! After all, whether you’re sipping kale smoothies or handing out chocolates to your kids after lunch, you’re doing just fine, mama. And your kids are too!

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