The Sarcastic Survival Guide For Moms Who Need A Laugh

Alessandra | Posted on November 7, 2024 |

There’s so much contradictory information out there for moms. So please just enjoy my sarcastic survival guide for moms in this short, humorous essay, meant to be light-hearted and silly!

I felt like changing it up a bit this week! Instead of my more serious blogs here is your survival guide for moms who not only enjoy humor but also are losing it. This is complete satire, a joke, because sometimes if you aren’t laughing you’re crying. Being a stay at home mom (SAHM) in 2024 is hard because of 2 things: Social media and information overload. Those are the top 2 reasons in my opinion anyway! We read so much stuff on the internet and hear so many opinions on social media that all contradicts one another. I swear it makes motherhood 10 times harder. It’s honestly no wonder moms have so much anxiety!

The world has more “advice” for moms than ever. Yet, each piece of advice contradicts the last, and somehow no matter what you do you are always doing it wrong! Honestly what gives? I’m not sure. But if you need a good laugh today, mama, keep reading!

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The Survival Guide For Moms

If you’ve ever looked up tips on being a stay at home mom, you’ve likely been bombarded by a perfect storm of advice. Some of it’s genuinely useful, but most of it is about as realistic as knitting with spaghetti. So today, in the spirit of humor (and a little exasperation), here’s a guide to navigating modern mom advice for what it is… A mix of good intentions and outright nonsense. Let’s jump in!

1: The Miracle of Morning Routines

“Start your day at 5 AM!”

Productivity gurus insist that to conquer motherhood, you simply must wake up at 5 AM for “me-time.” They swear this will “set the tone” for your day. Because, naturally, moms of toddlers are definitely just one sunrise away from a stress-free life.

In reality, this means you’re half-sleepwalking, trying to sip coffee in silence, when—surprise!—your youngest wakes up at 5:02 AM demanding a breakfast that resembles a multi-level brunch spread. Your “me-time” becomes “mom-time” in record-breaking seconds. So, if you’re going to take this tip, set realistic expectations. Expect to enjoy about 90 seconds of peace, followed by the kind of chaos that only small humans can create before 6 AM.

2: Self-Care is Everything (But Don’t Be Selfish!)

“Take Time for Self-Care, But Also Be a Selfless Mother”

Every article insists that self-care is crucial for moms. You’re supposed to take luxurious bubble baths, journal, meditate, exercise, and drink a green smoothie every day! But do it all while not ignoring your family’s needs. And also meeting your basic needs is definitely NOT self care. You have to do something else but don’t ask for childcare because that’s bad and no one can help.

For a realistic take, try “speed self-care.” Journal for 30 seconds on a sticky note. Meditate during the microwave countdown (bonus if you don’t notice it beep). And as for that green smoothie? Pour it over your oatmeal and call it “multi-tasking wellness.” You will never achieve zen anyway, but hopefully you feel a smidge better. You’re welcome. 🙂

3. Meal-Prepping Like You’re in a Michelin-Star Kitchen

“Prepare Organic, Balanced, Instagram-Worthy Meals That Everyone Will Eat (No, They Won’t)”

According to the experts, we should all be creating “colorful, organic meals.” Every dinner should be a rainbow of veggies (hand-chopped, of course from your own garden), with options to keep everyone happy. Plus you should probably make it Pinterest-worth and make it into a cool shape or smily face or something. That will definitely ensure your kid eats it!

But in reality? Most days, it’s more like preparing three shades of beige that you hope your kids will at least try. Getting everyone to eat a single bite of broccoli can feel like winning a Nobel Prize. So instead of aspiring to culinary masterpieces, go for something more practical. “One dinner for all, whether you like it or not” is the new rule. (Honestly I wish I started this when my kids were younger – making 3 meals a night isn’t working for me either.)

4. Embrace Minimalism (While Accumulating All the Kids’ Stuff)

“Minimalism for Moms: Reduce Your Stuff While Hoarding Essential Kid Memories”

Minimalism gurus encourage us to let go of anything that doesn’t spark joy. Well clearly they’ve never faced the heartbreak of throwing out a macaroni necklace. Let’s face it, minimalism in a house full of kids is actually impossible!

You start with the best intentions, getting rid of the old and broken toys. But soon, you’re right back to storing art projects, mismatched socks, and that collection of 42 plastic cups (because what if they’re all needed at once?). Minimalism for moms simply means arranging the clutter in aesthetically pleasing piles and accepting that kids are natural-born hoarders. It’s a journey in itself.

5. Mindfulness, But Make It Realistic

“Be Present and Mindful, But Also Plan the Next Ten Years of Your Life”

Mindfulness experts may insist we “stay present” and enjoy every single moment because you blink and your babies are big kids. This is truly beautiful advice! Until you’re simultaneously calming an epic tantrum the gentle parenting way, folding laundry, mentally scheduling next week’s playdate, and realizing you forgot that PTA meeting email again.

Staying in the moment as a mom often feels more like staying afloat, honestly. Try “mindful multitasking” instead. Like repeating “I am present” while stirring mac and cheese, finding out your husband has to work late, and planning the weekend events. Can you just imagine it now: a mom sitting on the floor, fully present with her toddler, but in her head, she’s trying to schedule dentist appointments, vet visits, and decide if last night’s leftovers are still good. Mindfulness is a great concept for people who aren’t managing a home. For the rest of us, a solid cup of coffee is about as close as it gets.

Final Thoughts

“At the end of the day, it’s all about balance… or at least trying not to drop all the balls at once.”

Being a stay at home mom in 2024 means facing a landslide of hypocritical advice! This can leave you feeling like you’re failing if you’re not effortlessly balanced, focused, fit, and healthy. The truth? Every mom’s balance is different! And surviving, whether with some self-care, skipped social media posts, or frozen pizza nights, isn’t a failure. It’s a true win!

So here’s to the moms who laugh at the absurdity of all the advice and keep doing the best they can! You’ve got this, mama, even if no one ever sees your morning routine on Instagram. 🙂

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