In the summer of 2014, my boyfriend (husband now) and I were blessed with a little surprise. I found out I was pregnant in June and we were so nervous and excited, as anyone is with their first baby.
I had made an appointment for my 8 week dating scan and couldn’t wait to go! But then it was rescheduled! Great another few more days of waiting, I thought. I couldn’t wait to get my very first ultrasound and see that baby.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend couldn’t make it to the rescheduled ultrasound because of work, so my mom came with me. I couldn’t wait to see that baby on the screen. They called me into the room and my heart skipped a beat. I laid on the bed, heart beating so fast. The ultrasound tech held the wand on my belly, moving it around for some time without saying a word, entering information into her computer. I really didn’t think much of the fact that it took some time, I had never had one before… She told me it would be a few minutes before she could see the baby, little did I know she knew instantly.
It was July 11, 2014, I was 25 years old. The ultrasound tech gave me news I never imagined. Those dreaded words I still hear clearly in my head to this day…
The ultrasound tech looked me in the eye and said, “I’m sorry, you’re baby doesn’t have a heartbeat.”
What a punch in the stomach, an instant lump in my throat. My heart felt like it stopped at this point. Why? What happened, what did I do? I couldn’t even cry I was so surprised. I had actually just said to Tom a few days prior, “I’m young and healthy, we have nothing to worry about.” I was so wrong.
After I got the news, my mom and I were brought into another room to discuss my options with a midwife. I basically had 2 options: surgery or miscarry at home. I chose to miscarry at home, but needed the help of some medication to make it happen.
I got into my car to drive home and that’s when the tears came. Tom called me, knowing my appointment would be over and excited for some news about the baby. It killed me to tell him what happened in that office and I knew how heartbroken he was, especially that he wasn’t there with me.
Sure, I had heard of women having miscarriages and bleeding very early on in their pregnancies, but going in for an ultrasound and the baby being there, but doesn’t have a heartbeat? That was something I had honestly never heard of. It’s something I would’ve never have known to expect or prepare for. I know now it’s called a “missed-miscarriage.” And to this day I still haven’t really heard many stories about them.
But what a struggle to go through. If it wasn’t for Tom and my family I probably would’ve spent weeks in bed. I also had the best co-workers at the time who were so supportive of me.
I’m glad women are finally beginning to tell their miscarriage stories. It does make a difference, and I know it makes me feel less alone. I mean, it happens to 1 in 4 women. 1 in 4! That’s your friend, your co-worker, your classmate, who is possibly suffering.
If you’re a mama suffering from miscarriage, just know you’re not alone. So many of use have been there and if you can tell your story, I’m sure you’ll find someone who has been in your footsteps and knows exactly how you feel. And know it’s ok to mourn that loss. Don’t let anyone tell you how to deal with this pain or to “get over it.” We don’t have to suffer alone.
I still think about my miscarriage story often and it’s been 5 years since that day. There’s so many weird feelings about it. I wonder what that baby would have been like, would it have been a boy or a girl, when would their birthday have been. But then I get sad, because if I didn’t have that miscarriage, I wouldn’t have my son, my rainbow baby.
If you’ve suffered a miscarriage, I promise there is hope. There’s a reason they are called a rainbow baby…they truly are the light after a storm.
If you or someone you know is suffering from a miscarriage, the best thing you can do is be there for them. Let them talk to you about it. Please share this so no one ever has to feel like they are alone and if you even need to talk, I’m here!