I Like Being The Default Parent and Here’s How You Can Too!

Alessandra | Posted on May 22, 2023 |

If you’ve heard the term “default parent” being tossed around on social media lately, you’ve probably seen it get a bad rap. In this blog I discuss what it is, why it’s not that bad, and how you can enjoy your role as a the default parent!

Being the default parent has been made out to be so terrible on social media. That those who are the default parent are run down, burnt out, and basically just “over it.” There was even stuff all over social media about moms not wanting to be in that role anymore. And while moms typically are the default parent, in this blog I’m going to tell you why it’s not so bad and how you can enjoy being the one! It’s all about simple mindset shifts and ignoring all the jokes about it on social.

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What is a Default Parent?

First things first, what exactly is a “default parent?” The default parent is the “go-to” parent and yes, it’s typically the mom. The default parent handles all the responsibilities of her children and family. She handles the doctor appointments, the events, the school work, bills, sports, the calendar in general. She handles the emotional side – the boo-boos, the tantrums, the dressing and pottying of the children. And she’s the one the kids go to first. Like even when she’s taking a shower, the kids are asking things of her.

Everything falls into the default parent’s lap and yes it can get overwhelming. She’s probably trying to make sure whatever her kid is watching on YouTube is safe, along with remembering to make that doctor appointment, cook dinner, and pay the bills. It’s a lot. OH! And she has to take care of herself, too. But amongst all this responsibility, there are ways to enjoy life as this parent! Even when it feels like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.

How to enjoy being the Default Parent

Even though it feels like you have to do absolutely everything, there are ways to enjoy this time in your life and ways to make it easier. You can be the default parent without feeling like you’re drowning.

Tip 1: Ask for help

First off, you can’t do it all alone! So even though you have the majority of the parenting stuff falling on you, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get help. You must ask your husband to pick up some of the slack. And you get the pick what you need help with! Maybe there’s a certain chore you hate to do so your husband does it instead. Maybe he does school drop off even once a week. Or he packs lunches at the end of the day. Whatever it is, ask for help from someone you trust!

Tip 2: Take care of yourself

You MUST take care of yourself. Not have to. Must. It’s a simple perspective shift that will change the way you view taking care of you. When you say “I must” you make it a priority instead. When you say “I have to” it sounds more like a lame chore. So, self care is a big deal. Everyday find at least 10 minutes of you-time to do something you love. It can be stretching or reading a chapter of a book. Maybe a crossword puzzle or journaling. Whatever you do, take time for yourself to fill your cup.

Tip 3: Change your mindset

Stop listening to all the chatter on social media about how terrible it is to be the go-to parent. It’s not a bad thing. Can it get overwhelming at times? Yes of course, anything in life can, but being the go-to parent is special and it’s not something to take for granted. When you shift your perspective you can make things feel better. Finding the positive it truly life-changing!

Instead of saying “I have to do x, y, z.” Change that to “I GET to do x, y, z.”

Instead of “My child only wants me and I’m so done.” Change it to “I am my child’s person. I am their comfort. I can do this.”

Of course there are going to be days when you are completely drained and that’s ok too. You are only human! Getting yourself ready for the day can be a huge motivator. And when you’re feeling overwhelmed, taking a 5 minute break to breathe is totally acceptable. #MomTimeout!

If you need some tips for your mindset, check out my free Mama Mantras download. It will help you feel motivated and ready to take on the day! Click to button below to get it directly to your inbox!

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Tip 4: Teach your kids

It’s ok to teach your kids to go to their dad (or the opposite parent.) When you are busy doing something and your child comes to you asking for help, simply say something like this: “Mama is busy taking a shower right now, could you go find Dad and ask him? He would love to help you!” And your child will probably do it. They have just been with you their entire life, and you have done the majority of their caregiving. Therefore, they just need a little assistance going to their dad/other caregiver. You need to teach them this though! Just like you would teach them not to hit, how to say their name, or ride a bike!

Tip 5: Get a hobby

Make yourself a priority. Find something you love to do and start doing it regularly. For me, I’ve found a complete love for reading since last summer (August 2022) and I have read almost a book a week since. I make time at night to read after my kids go to sleep and before I go to sleep. If you have a good bedtime routine for your kids, then you too can have a couple hours at night to do your thing! Maybe it’s yoga, going to the gym, painting, doing puzzles, etc. Whatever it is, find something you can do at home instead of watching TV.

Final thoughts

Remember, it’s ok to enjoy this role! Social media and our culture often makes fun of these things and brings negativity our role as a SAHM. But it’s not all bad. Our kids come to us more often because they LOVE and TRUST us. They want our attention and approval more than anyone else’s in this world. And that’s pretty special! But they can also be completely and utterly themselves around us too. They can share their biggest emotions with us, and while that can be difficult for us, it’s also special.

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